How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
