im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
