Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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