There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
