So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
