so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
