a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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