i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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