My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
