i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
