Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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