I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
