Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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