After last night, I could never be a politician.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize