I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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