What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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