It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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