Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
