hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
What a dumb baby whore.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
