I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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