I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
