Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
They took my balls.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
i need some magic done to my vagina
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
