i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
