I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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