just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
