So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Did I show you my penis last night?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
