the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
birth control should be required to get into college
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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