Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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