p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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