In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
