I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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