I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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