So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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