The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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