i will never coherently bang her
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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