rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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