1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Randomize
