sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize