I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
