I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
