I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize