Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize