I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
