You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
