thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
