wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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