he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I want her autograph on my taint
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
