I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
