Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm sobbing to NWA
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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