i don't like sucking hair
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
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