I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
