Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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