How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
