I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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