i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
