I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
