..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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