Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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