return my video game
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
zippers are such a cool invention
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Randomize
