So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
