just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
