I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
