Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
